In Which Larry and Joe, Some Dolphin Elders, Educate a Young’Un

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“Oh, look! Here comes the new kid.”

“Hey, Flipper!”

“Joe, don’t call him that. It’s not like he’ll even know who Flipper is. That show was made, like, three generations ago.”

“Oh, whatever. If his parents are anything decent, they’ll have already told him about Flipper. Yo, Flipper!”

“Hello?”

“Hiya, kid. Nice to meet you. This here’s Joe, and I’m Larry. That one over there is Neptuna. S/he calls herself that because s/he hasn’t figured out what s/he wants to be when s/he grows up.”

“Mmmmmkay. Hey! Hey! I have a question for you.”

“Good, good. Questions are good. Where are your parents, though?”

“Joe, shut up. You know how some parents are.”

“I saw a big shadow today.”

“Oh, shadows are good. Was it pointy at one end, flat at the other?”

“Yeah, yeah!”

“Big bubbles coming out of the flat end?”

“Yeah! I didn’t want to get too close.”

“No, no, not at the flat bubbly end. But you should get close!”

“I swear, where are this kid’s parents?”

“Joe, shut up. Kid, you want to get close to the sides of the thing. It’s called a ferry. It moves fast and low in the water and it makes New Waves for us to mess around in.”

“Mess around! Mess around!”

“Larry, we gotta do something about Neptuna. S/he keeps on making that same noise over and over.”

“Just smile big at her. She’ll calm down. Kid, don’t pay any attention to Neptuna yet. S/he has a thing for Messing Around, and not always in a nice way. Anyway, about the ferry. You want to get close to the sides and the front, but don’t get too close to the back end where the bubbles and the Angry Water are. You’ll get cut up.”

“OooOOOooo.”

“Yeah. You ever hear about One-Finned Flapjack?”

“Joe, shut up, you’ll scare the kid. Anyway.”

“Tell him about the good stuff.”

“Oh. If you stick close enough to the sides and look up, you’ll see more shadows. The bi-peds. They like to stand on the sides and yell if they see you. Like this: EEE! EEEE! EEEEE! Don’t confuse that with our International Distress Signal. It’s the sound that the bi-peds with the mammary glands make when they see us. Now listen. The ones with the mammary glands are nice, but it’s not those shadows you’re looking for. You’re looking for the short ones, the tiny bi-ped shadows. Stay right beneath those.”

“Why?”

“Oh, Poseidon’s rake, where ARE this fry’s parents? Kid, the tiny bi-peds are the ones that Drop Things. Crispy terrestrial things. Orange-colored curls of crunchy goodness. That mystical feed called Fruit. And the even more ambrosiac, perpetually elusive, FROOT LOOPS. (Those are homophones, Flipper. Don’t confuse the two.)”

“JOE.”

“What? It’s true. All these are good eatins.”

“Do they taste like fluke? I love fluke.”

“Flipper, there’s a whole world of foodstuffs out there, and it ain’t all flappy sloppy scaly. I want you to be worldly, see things, taste things.”

“JOE.”

“Oh, fine. Don’t eat the crispy orange things, kid. And stay away from the plastic bags.”

 

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Writer, editor, general crazy-pants.

4 Responses to In Which Larry and Joe, Some Dolphin Elders, Educate a Young’Un
  1. Disaster_dave says:

    You are so weird!
    Are you in the Seattle area? Without calling me?

  2. Shey-Shey says:

    I would like to meet Joe. I would bring crispy orange things.

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